Can You Beat That For The First Time?
by PickleGarden
Summary: It's 1984. This one shot is going to give insight on Stan Smith's first mission as a CIA Agent.


Got some news: This will be my last fanfic. Possibly ever. My family just grew a huge crop of pickles and soon we will be back on the road again. Going across the country to sell our pickles. So enjoy having me here for as long as you can.

Fresh out of his CIA training. A college grad with top honors. A young man named Stan Smith was ready for his first mission for the CIA. Stan was excited to do his duty for his country as he was about to go on his very first CIA mission. Agent Jackson who also was fresh out of CIA training himself leads Stan to whom it was that was going to be their boss.

Jackson says, "I'm so proud you made it this far, Stan! Bet you're excited for your first mission!"

Stan replies, "Haven't been this excited since the 1980 Winter Olympics Hockey Game!"

Jackson heartedly laughs, "Oh my yes! That was fun indeed! Chex Lemmonox sure kicked some serious ass!"

Stan is was being lead into the office as Jackson opened the door. Behind the desk was Deputy Director Avery Bullock. Stan walks up and gives him a firm handshake. "Welcome aboard agents Jackson and agent Smith! This is CIA! And you Stan since you've excelled in training I believe you are ready for your very first mission!"

Jackson says, "Where is he going to be?"

Bullock explains, "There is a protest riot going on in South Africa. And you Stan Smith are going to fly there on the CIA Jet."

Getting up and saluting Stan said, "You have my solemn vow! I will succeed with the flying colors that is the red, white, and blue!"

Bullock was impressed with Stan's positive outlook, "You sure have lots of vigor and enthusiam! I fucking like that! The CIA Jet is ready for takeoff so you better get your ass out there and hurry!"

"Right away, sir!" Stan shouts with glee. "I'm serving my country! The America I love so much! Stopping a protest riot in South Africa! I'd be happy to do that!"

Jackson seemed miffed that Bullock gave Stan a mission and not him. "What mission will you give me, sir?"

Bullock replies, "You will go to Los Angeles and be a guard for the Summer Olympics! You will take the bus!"

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The CIA Jet is flying through the sky. It was going to make it's landfall in South Africa. Stan is in the coach section. The pilot says, "We are making our descent into South Africa. But..."

Stan getting anxious heard that and thought out loud, "Oh, no! There always has to be a 'but'"!

The pilot continued, "We are running out of gas so we will land in Kenya. And the engine is shutting down. We will be stuck for a five days!"

Stan said, "Oh, shit! This always fucking happens to me! Damned curve balls in life! My father warned me about those! How am I going to get back when I'm done?"

The CIA Jet landed in Kenya at a hangar for repairs. Stan was going to let anything get in the way of his first assignment for the CIA. Stan hatches a plan as he sneaks out of the jet. "I have it!" I will drive to South Africa to stop this protest riot! Should be easy to get to! Just follow the road! Toucan Sam always follows his nose!"

Walking though the Kenyan desert, Stan was looking around for a car he can drive. So far, no luck. "This must be how Chevy Chase felt being lost in the Grand Canyon in that Vacation movie!"

Feeling determined and desperate at the same time, Stan was looking for a way to complete his mission. Not wanting to wait around for the CIA Jet to be repaired. Stan finally got lucky once he saw a huge white and grey palace like place. "Maybe someone in here can lend me a car! Sure looks like the people who live here can actually afford one! Considering Africa is so impoverished!"

A palace guard named Ockie Eekie Owns, watches Stan suspiciously when he sees him approach the gates to the palace. The palace guard was really Roger in disguise. "I got discovered in France when someone found out I was an alien. That better not be interpol coming to look for me!"

Stan says, "The Gods Must Be Crazy! Like that movie!"

Roger as Ockie Eekie Owns gets angerier by the second when he sees Stan approach the gate. "Better make this son of a bitch asshole person think I'm a palace guard!" Roger begins to speak in an African Accent.

Stan sees Roger and asks him, "Excuse me! Uhhh, do you have a car I can borrow? I'll give it back! I promise!"

Roger opens the palace gate that lets Stan in. "You want a car, is it?"

"Yes! I'm on a mission! For the CIA! My first one ever! I don't want something to fuck it up!

"What is this you speak of?" asked Roger. "To stop a protest riot!" answered Stan.

Roger replies, "Oh yes! Protest riots! There's lot of those going on! Come on with me!"

Stan looks around, "Very swanky place you got here! For a country that..." Roger cuts off Stan. "You didn't tell me your name. First tell me then I will give you what you want."

"I'm Stan Smith!"

Roger grabs Stan by the hand, "Hi, Stan! You're gonna GGGGOOOOOOO swimmmin'!" Before Stan knew it, he was being thrown into a fountain full of water enough to hold a shallow pool. The way Roger said, 'go swimming' his voice sounded like a prolonged squeak. "*PHEW!* OKay what was THAT FOR!" Stan screamed at Roger emerging from the fountain water.

"I have orders from the king and queen to keep people like you out!" Roger said walking away.

Climbing out of the fountain, Stan went inside the palace to look for a car to drive. "There has to be a car around here somewhere! But where!"

Stan searched high and low for about an hour to find a car. Only to be spotted by Roger again. "SHIT! Not again!"

Roger corners Stan, "You got out of the fountain? You could be a robber for all I know!" Within seconds Stan was being carried away by Roger.

"I don't care who you're trying to protect! You have no right to do this to me! I'm an American! I'm Stan Smith and I work for the CIA!"

Roger throws Stan back into the fountain. "You gonna GGGGOOOOOOOO swimmmin'!" Saying that in the prolonged squeak again. Stan climbed out of the fountain once more then he heard a honking noise. Much to his delight, it was the sound of a car horn.

"It's a car! Sweet Ronald Reagan! It is! Holy fuck! It's a car! Haven't heard one of those for a while!" Stan ran although he was soaking wet from being thrown into the fountain. Stan runs to the sound of the car.

Getting inside, and drive let him in. "Where to?" asked the driver. "South Africa! When I get back to the States I hope the new season of Magnum PI is starting!"

The driver replies, "We have that here in Africa too! I also like T.J. Hooker!"

Stan feeling a sigh of mitigation. "South Africa, here I come." Or so he thought. The driver was taking Stan back to the palace. "Uh, might I ask what the hell are you doing?"

"Why you have to question and criticize me?" asked the driver as he disparages.

"I told you to drive me to South Africa and you're driving me back to the...son of a bitch!"

The driver stopped the car at the same fountain where Stan was thrown in. "Gotta bad feeling..."

The car stopped and the driver was really Roger as Ockie Eeekie Owns all along. "Get outta the car for you're gonna GGGGOOOOOOO swimmmmin!"

Roger throws Stan into the fountain once more and laughs and cracks up. Stan grew boiling mad. Now Stan had a plan for revenge against Roger. "Excuse me, Mr. Palace Guard sir!"

"Want to see me, perhaps for a three way?"

"No, not that! You asked me my name. How about I ask you yours? What's your name?"

Roger answers, "Ockie Eeekie Owns!"

Stan causally walks behind Roger, "Hey, Mr. Ockie Eekie Owns..." Stan grabs Roger and throws him into the fountain the same way Roger threw him in three times before.

"YOU'RE GONNA GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOO SSSSSWWWWWIIIIMMMMMIIIIINNNNNNN'!"

Making a huge splash, Roger was now swimming in the fountain, actually enjoying it and called out, "Oh, boy! I just LLLLLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEE Swimmin!"

"Now to finish what I came here for!" Stan says getting into the car. "That's what you get for fucking with us Americans!"

The scene quickly changes into the Smith Family living room. Francine, Roger, Klaus, Jeff, Hayley and Steve were all on the couch listening to Stan's story about his very first mission. As Stan was sitting on his recliner.

"That was the story of first ever assignment for the CIA, any questions?"

Francine asked, "Did you ever stop that riot?"

Stan replies with confidence, "Sure did! Used good old tear gas!"

Hayley feeling offended says, "Even back then! Can't even believe!" Jeff agreeing, "That gets my goat too, babe!"

Stan says, "Let's all go to bed, Good night."

As the Smith family were about to call it a day, Roger says, "Anyone wondered whatever became of Ockie Eeekie Owns?"

Steve was interested, "Okay. What of that palace guard?"

Roger gets out a case and reveals a bunch of golden Olympic medals.

"He joined an Olympic Swim Team and won these Gold Medals for Kenya!" Roger announced happily.

Stan pointed at Roger "YOU? It was you? YOU were Ockie Eekie Owns?"

"Chill out, Stan! That was before you knew me!" Roger replied.

"Always gotta steal somebody's glory, don't you!" sneered Stan.

Roger sneering back, "It's what I like to do! Make it about me!"

"Whatever! Let's just go to bed!" Stan said discouraged.


End file.
